The above image is of an array of Gonks. Gonks were created in the 1960s in the UK and are classed as 'collectibles' in the novelty toy industry. A collectible seems to be something that exists for the sake of it and, like swingers, are not happy unless they come in groups. But even if you've never owned a Gonk, that doesn't mean you've never owned a gonk.
You may own a hoover without owning a Hoover. you can use super glue without using Super Glue. Write on a post-it without writing on a Post-It. You might even rollerblade without owning a pair of Rollerblades. All these things were brands or trademarks at one time, but have now been drawn into everyday language to refer to something where that brand could be considered the exemplar.
Gonk is no different. If you ever owned a Troll Doll, or a Beanie Baby or a Funko POP!, then congratulations gonk-owner, you owned a gonk. Every generation has at least one gonk craze they can be sucked into. A collective collectible madness. An item without purpose but to exist amongst others of its type.
A solitary gonk is never truly alone for its existence hints at others, nay demands others. A singular gonk is merely the start of a collection - the beginning of something greater. If a family member discovers you, even accidentally, own a singular gonk of any type, then I hope you're prepared to gather more as every new birthday and Christmas comes around. The difficulty of knowing what a relative might want as a gift is instantly trivialised by the mention of a collectible they have been known to own - and if you own one, you must want to own more, right?
But whilst a cat has other purposes - companionship, comfort, play and disrespect - a gonk has none. Its existence has consequences, but these aren't the same as purposes. For example, a gonk might take up space on a shelf, but that can't be said to be a purpose. It might be handy as a door stop, but that isn't what it's sold as. You could even claim that it has aesthetic purpose, but I disagree. Does an avid collector of Funko POP!s, say, decide to skip a model because it doesn't gel with the overall look of the collection? Of course not. That's like saying an addict won't smoke a particular wrap of crack because they don't like the colour. Ridiculous.
Is A Doll A Gonk?
If reading this has made you wonder if a doll is a gonk, then it's probably because this section is titled that. But it's a fascinating question and one that could lure a person down a particularly long and winding rabbit hole. As someone who has ventured part way into that warren I can safely say that the answer is, maybe. Some dolls are without a doubt gonks, whilst others are definitely not, with a third category lying somewhere in the grey area between those two extremes.
[*Actual Cabbage Patch Kid names]
Pointless By Design
Being pointless paradoxically encourages a greater volume of sales. If they performed some form of task or had a function, then we could be convinced that we have satisfied that need with a finite number of items. There's a limit to how many TVs I need in order to be able to watch what I want and where I want, and I don't need any more than that. I only have use for a single microwave, so why get another? But a collectible whose only point is to add to a growing heap can never be sufficient for the collector to decide they have all they need for its purpose, for it has none.
So what conclusions can we draw from this? I was just initially making an observation that every generation has a gonk and we, in the current era, are no different. But the more I ponder on it the more I realise that a gonk is a predatory prison sentence of collection, covetousness and fear of missing out. Free yourself. The power is in your hands. Throw away your Beanie Baby, toss your Funko POP!, delete your NFT. Step out into a world of varied birthday gifts. Gifts with purpose. Cards with multifarious designs are only one short trip to the landfill away.
- Vic Jameson